A couple are broke and to make ends-meat, they agree the wife will start hooking. They travel downtown and stop on the side of the street. The wife says, "What do I do? How much do I charge?"
The husband repllies, "Go and stand at that corner and if anyone comes up to you, tell them it's $100." She says okay and goes to the corner. Within five minutes a man approaches and asks her how much. She tells him $100 and he says he only has $30. She tells him to hold on and runs back to her husband. The husband tells her that for $30 he can get a hand job. The wife runs back to the guy and tells him what $30 will get him. He agrees and right there on the corner, unzips his fly and notices that he's exceptionally well hung. The wife tells him to hold on again, runs back to her husband and asks, "Honey, can I borrow $70?"
I used to date a midget but we had to break up. It was really sad but I just had to. Her nose kept getting stuck in my zipper.
A guy moves from the city to the country to get away from it all. His neighbor comes over a couple days later to introduce himself and says, "Howdy neighbor. I'm going to be having a party tonight and was wondering if you'd like to come on over.
The city guy says, "Sure, I'd love to!"
The hick says, "You know, we'll probably be having some drinks if that's all right."
"Oh of course!" says the city guy. "It's been a hell of a week and I could go for a drink or two."
"Great!" says the hick. "Cause we'll be playing games and dancing a little too."
The city guy thinks a second and says, "Okay I suppose that's alright. I haven't danced or played games in years but I'm sure it'll be fun."
"That's good to hear because there may be a little sex involved too" the hick tells him.
The city guy perks up and says, "Sex? Really? Oh. Okay. It's been a while for that too so I'd look forward to that as well. By the way," he asks as an afterthought, "how many people are you expecting at this party?"
The hick takes a step closer to the city guy and says, "Oh...it'll just be you and me."
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Paper Beats Rock...My Ass!
I understand how scissors can beat paper and I get how a rock can beat scissors, but there's no fucking way paper can beat rock. Is paper supposed to magically wrap around rock and leave it immobile? If that's the case, why the hell can't paper do that to scissors? Actually, screw scissors...why can't paper do this to people?! Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they take notes in class? I'll tell you why...because paper can't beat anybody! A rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play Rock Paper Scissors, I always choose rock. Then when someone claims to have beaten me with their paper, I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh shit! I'm sorry! I thought paper would have protected you, you asshole!
Friday, April 25, 2008
Let My People Go
Moses
In biblical terms was swept down the Nile by his mother to avoid Ramses' purge that a first born Jew would kick his ass.
In historical terms, Moses was a follower of the radical Egyptian pharaoh, Akhenaton (Amenhotep IV) who moved the capital south, dissolved polytheism (belief of many gods) and went with monotheism (belief in only one god), Aten...the sun god. When Akhenaton mysteriously died, his son Tutankhamen (King Tut) took over the thrown at 9 years of age, moved the capital back to its original location and re-indoctrinated the polytheism way of life. However, the "one god" movement had spread and was becoming very popular in Syria and other locations. The current bible as Christians know it today is a direct descendant of Syrian texts based off the Aten movement. They don't teach ya' that in Sunday school.
Okay...there's a little history lesson. We now move to the present and my original thoughts for this blog...
I saw on the Today once that an enormously fat woman was upset because of all the starving children in Nigeria (anyone else see the sarcasm and irony in a fat chick helping a starving child? Come on, it can't be only me!) What's this kid's name in Nigeria? Moses. So that got me thinking of The Ten Commandments with the late Charlton Heston. Then that got me thinking about this little Moses character in Nigeria. Is he a Jew in disguise? Is he set to kick the president of Nigeria's ass, Umaru Musa Yar'Adua for consistently making the world's top Worst Dictators list? Can he perform miracles? Does he have a ZZ Top beard?
I personally feel there's nothing worse than a child who suffers for any reason. However, don't we have starving children here on US soil? Are American children not good enough to help? If we don't help U.S. kids, aren't they just going to contribute to our already fucked up way of life? Then that got me thinking, shouldn't we be educating this Yar'Adua and his people so they don't treat kids in his country that way? Or simply just take him out?
Ooooooooh, here's another little tidbit and cause for education...most mothers in Nigeria have on the average...8 kids. 8 kids people! Know why? No, they're not Catholic. It's because, again on average, 5 of them die!!!!!!!! They die from either lack of nutrition, complications in birth, ooooooooooooor...(dum, dum, duuuum...) AIDS. Now, I'm sure something would click in my gourd if everyone around me were having kids and they're dieing hand over fist. Something's awry. I'd say to my Nubian wife, "Yuda Al Mushef my love, I do not believe we should be having so many children just to watch them die."
Then she would most likely say, "You know, Bardu Al Mushef my love, I do believe you are right. We are not sadists."
And then my Nubian wife and I would get a cat so we could eat it if we got hungry. You know...down the road. For emergency purposes.
The point being, I'm sure their mentality over there in Nigeria isn't, "let's shit out a...well, shit load o' kids so we can claim them and get more back on our taxes not to mention all the government assistance we'll be getting."
Unlike here.
In biblical terms was swept down the Nile by his mother to avoid Ramses' purge that a first born Jew would kick his ass.
In historical terms, Moses was a follower of the radical Egyptian pharaoh, Akhenaton (Amenhotep IV) who moved the capital south, dissolved polytheism (belief of many gods) and went with monotheism (belief in only one god), Aten...the sun god. When Akhenaton mysteriously died, his son Tutankhamen (King Tut) took over the thrown at 9 years of age, moved the capital back to its original location and re-indoctrinated the polytheism way of life. However, the "one god" movement had spread and was becoming very popular in Syria and other locations. The current bible as Christians know it today is a direct descendant of Syrian texts based off the Aten movement. They don't teach ya' that in Sunday school.
Okay...there's a little history lesson. We now move to the present and my original thoughts for this blog...
I saw on the Today once that an enormously fat woman was upset because of all the starving children in Nigeria (anyone else see the sarcasm and irony in a fat chick helping a starving child? Come on, it can't be only me!) What's this kid's name in Nigeria? Moses. So that got me thinking of The Ten Commandments with the late Charlton Heston. Then that got me thinking about this little Moses character in Nigeria. Is he a Jew in disguise? Is he set to kick the president of Nigeria's ass, Umaru Musa Yar'Adua for consistently making the world's top Worst Dictators list? Can he perform miracles? Does he have a ZZ Top beard?
I personally feel there's nothing worse than a child who suffers for any reason. However, don't we have starving children here on US soil? Are American children not good enough to help? If we don't help U.S. kids, aren't they just going to contribute to our already fucked up way of life? Then that got me thinking, shouldn't we be educating this Yar'Adua and his people so they don't treat kids in his country that way? Or simply just take him out?
Ooooooooh, here's another little tidbit and cause for education...most mothers in Nigeria have on the average...8 kids. 8 kids people! Know why? No, they're not Catholic. It's because, again on average, 5 of them die!!!!!!!! They die from either lack of nutrition, complications in birth, ooooooooooooor...(dum, dum, duuuum...) AIDS. Now, I'm sure something would click in my gourd if everyone around me were having kids and they're dieing hand over fist. Something's awry. I'd say to my Nubian wife, "Yuda Al Mushef my love, I do not believe we should be having so many children just to watch them die."
Then she would most likely say, "You know, Bardu Al Mushef my love, I do believe you are right. We are not sadists."
And then my Nubian wife and I would get a cat so we could eat it if we got hungry. You know...down the road. For emergency purposes.
The point being, I'm sure their mentality over there in Nigeria isn't, "let's shit out a...well, shit load o' kids so we can claim them and get more back on our taxes not to mention all the government assistance we'll be getting."
Unlike here.
Random Thoughts, Comments & Observations
1. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
2. I won't go in to my butt-wiping but, I get the job done.
3. My mother uses a Q-Tip to itch her bunger hole.
4. My mother likes to say random phrases, such as: "Piss too!" "Ass too!" and "Piss off my back!"
Ass too means that if someone tells my mother she's an asshole (which she is), instead of her saying, "you're an asshole too!" back, she simply says, "ass too!"
Piss too is someone telling her to piss off or what she determines randomly as someone telling her to piss off. Again, "piss too."
Piss off my back I haven't figured out. I just always picture a person standing on my mother's back pissing.
5. One time a parade was going through town and I told her I was going to bring my son to see it. Her response was, "I wouldn't cross a street to see a parade." I told her, "Well, good thing you wouldn't have to since it'd be going right down the middle of the street."
6. My mother likes to "dethaw" things.
"I should take chicken out to dethaw it.
So I'd say back, "aren't you just going to leave it in the freezer then? I mean, if you were going to thaw it out, that's one thing but if you're wanting to just leave it frozen, you might as well just keep it in the freezer."
She never understood.
7. I know a woman that pronounces "chimney" as "chimley." I'd ask her periodically what that thing on the wall was. You know, the thing with the big gaping hole that has fire in it. "Oh, you mean the chimley?" Idget.
8. My father in describing a person of different color than white would describe their ethnicity. "Did you see that black guy in the blue shirt?" "That Asian woman was nice." Why not just, "Did you see that guy in the blue shirt?" Or, "That woman was nice?" That never made any sense to me. I'm sure he didn't want people saying, "You see that over weight guy with the receding hair line? He was nice."
2. I won't go in to my butt-wiping but, I get the job done.
3. My mother uses a Q-Tip to itch her bunger hole.
4. My mother likes to say random phrases, such as: "Piss too!" "Ass too!" and "Piss off my back!"
Ass too means that if someone tells my mother she's an asshole (which she is), instead of her saying, "you're an asshole too!" back, she simply says, "ass too!"
Piss too is someone telling her to piss off or what she determines randomly as someone telling her to piss off. Again, "piss too."
Piss off my back I haven't figured out. I just always picture a person standing on my mother's back pissing.
5. One time a parade was going through town and I told her I was going to bring my son to see it. Her response was, "I wouldn't cross a street to see a parade." I told her, "Well, good thing you wouldn't have to since it'd be going right down the middle of the street."
6. My mother likes to "dethaw" things.
"I should take chicken out to dethaw it.
So I'd say back, "aren't you just going to leave it in the freezer then? I mean, if you were going to thaw it out, that's one thing but if you're wanting to just leave it frozen, you might as well just keep it in the freezer."
She never understood.
7. I know a woman that pronounces "chimney" as "chimley." I'd ask her periodically what that thing on the wall was. You know, the thing with the big gaping hole that has fire in it. "Oh, you mean the chimley?" Idget.
8. My father in describing a person of different color than white would describe their ethnicity. "Did you see that black guy in the blue shirt?" "That Asian woman was nice." Why not just, "Did you see that guy in the blue shirt?" Or, "That woman was nice?" That never made any sense to me. I'm sure he didn't want people saying, "You see that over weight guy with the receding hair line? He was nice."
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Left Laners
Are most of you even aware that the left lane is for people who are passing others? Or do you think the left lane is just another lane to fix your makeup, bitch with your woman on the phone, throw shit to your kids in the back, eat your fatty doughnut, twiddle your shit, rock out to Juice Newton, pretend you have "hand" in the car when you get shit on everwhere else but behind the wheel...you're a God? Is that it? Well I hate to burst your bubble but you're just like all the rest of us.
You know, in Colorado, they'll ticket your sorry ass for even thinking of hanging out in the left lane. And don't give me the, "right lane is backed up and people are going too slow" routine. They're going to fucking slow because you're ass is in the left lane and won't let them pass the person in front of them! So do us all a favor you Left Laners...move your ass before we start rear ending you just to push your ever closer to our final destination so we can dispose of your useless body and eat our deep dish pizzas while watching the Twins get their asses kicked.
Thank you.
You know, in Colorado, they'll ticket your sorry ass for even thinking of hanging out in the left lane. And don't give me the, "right lane is backed up and people are going too slow" routine. They're going to fucking slow because you're ass is in the left lane and won't let them pass the person in front of them! So do us all a favor you Left Laners...move your ass before we start rear ending you just to push your ever closer to our final destination so we can dispose of your useless body and eat our deep dish pizzas while watching the Twins get their asses kicked.
Thank you.
The Jingle Jangle Red Army
So,
You ever get annoyed at the Salvation Army (which are starting their own militia in a matter of days with the money they get, you watch!) pricks shaking their little dinner bells like a crazed Jackalope on crack?
How 'bout as soon as you get closer to them, they start with the whole body-shake-bell-ring to get your attention; like you couldn't hear the fuckin' bell from your car as you were on the Interstate! Now the "Red Army" has to stand in our way and go in to convulsive croppy-flop fits in order to weed a quarter out of us? What the hell?! We know you're there! We dread it each year! Christ man! All I want is to get my damn toothpaste so I don't knock the poor soul over that's standing next to me with my horrendous ass breath!
Oh sure the first couple of times it's kinda' neat to give some loose change or even a bill because after all, that's what the holidays are all about. However, we must all have very simplistic, unfocused minds to not remember that every year some half-crazed fuck-chop decked out in red standing along with their kids (to get them involved with helping people or something), begin shaking that damn bell for money.
If you go to www.salvationarmyusa.org you'll see a breakdown of how their funds are spent. You'll have to download an Adobe spreadsheet and it takes quite a bit of time to actually view it, but it's all there. Of course the information is padded because they don't really want to come right out and say, "Shit, man...we just want your fuckin' money so we can get another butler at my 15,000 foot 'cabin."
Yes the Salvation Army does good. Yes they assist people who aren't as well off as others. And yes they're a Right Wing Christian Zealot Militia that only gives 33% of its funds to the needy. What the hell are they doing with the rest?
Oh...it must go to God. My bad.
You ever get annoyed at the Salvation Army (which are starting their own militia in a matter of days with the money they get, you watch!) pricks shaking their little dinner bells like a crazed Jackalope on crack?
How 'bout as soon as you get closer to them, they start with the whole body-shake-bell-ring to get your attention; like you couldn't hear the fuckin' bell from your car as you were on the Interstate! Now the "Red Army" has to stand in our way and go in to convulsive croppy-flop fits in order to weed a quarter out of us? What the hell?! We know you're there! We dread it each year! Christ man! All I want is to get my damn toothpaste so I don't knock the poor soul over that's standing next to me with my horrendous ass breath!
Oh sure the first couple of times it's kinda' neat to give some loose change or even a bill because after all, that's what the holidays are all about. However, we must all have very simplistic, unfocused minds to not remember that every year some half-crazed fuck-chop decked out in red standing along with their kids (to get them involved with helping people or something), begin shaking that damn bell for money.
If you go to www.salvationarmyusa.org you'll see a breakdown of how their funds are spent. You'll have to download an Adobe spreadsheet and it takes quite a bit of time to actually view it, but it's all there. Of course the information is padded because they don't really want to come right out and say, "Shit, man...we just want your fuckin' money so we can get another butler at my 15,000 foot 'cabin."
Yes the Salvation Army does good. Yes they assist people who aren't as well off as others. And yes they're a Right Wing Christian Zealot Militia that only gives 33% of its funds to the needy. What the hell are they doing with the rest?
Oh...it must go to God. My bad.
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