Not Myself At Times

There are times when I’m not myself.
I’ve tried so hard for many, many years to do the right thing whenever possible. I say whenever possible because sometimes there is an inner beast that takes over and I give in to malice.
I’m married now…again. Having been married for almost 6 years now. We also have a four year old boy and 18 month old daughter. I would gladly give whatever I am and have for each of them. For all the bitching that I do that nothing works out for me, I do know that I have three people in my life that truly love me.
I had another son at one time. He has been adopted by his step-father. His mother and I constantly fought and for no reason than to prove each other right. We focused so much on who was right that we lost sight of what was most important, our son. All I wanted was to make him happy so I terminated my parental rights for his step-father to adopt him in the hopes that some normalcy will come his way. I love him and it hurts everyday that I no longer am allowed to speak to or see him.
His mother on the other hand single-handedly fucked everything up and I argued with her which only made her fuck things up even worse. So in a way I fucked up as well.
I also miss my father since having died from a stroke in 2003. There are so many things I want to talk to him about and can’t hear a reply. I do talk to him though in the hopes that he’ll implant the answer in my essence. It hasn’t happened yet but why give up now?
Lately I have been feeling so...angry for no apparent reason. I have always been one to take on anyone at any given time but now it's to the extreme. Even the slightest infraction pushes me over the edge.
So I'm not myself at times and getting back to the way I was seems so far off that it almost seems unatainable.